Residing in an empty socket,
An endless sphere of incandescent light,
Floating… drifting in a sea of placid milky white.
The window to a twisted world… a personal kaleidoscope.
Only the perceptive see the thoughts that hide behind the shifting glass.
The light that tells encrypted secrets hidden in the back of minds
Diffused light, deceptive as it hints at the unknown.
Beyond the empty lens there lies
A window to a naked mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there <3
I'm not entirely sure if you're going to see this but if you do, hope this still helps <3 Here's a short review for this short poem.
I liked the idea that right off the bat you told us at what you'll be focusing on >> incandescent light and how, in contrast to most poems, this light conceals instead of disclosing. However, I think you should choose a different kind of light? Those light bulbs have only one colour in them so I couldn't really imagine "a personal kaleidoscope" as a suitable description. Perhaps something similar to an LED?
You've used the ellipses for two instances but I think an em dash would fit them much better. Ellipsis usually indicates a long pause, that the speaker is pensive. However, that shouldn't be the case because the tone, right now, is as if the speaker finds it hard to describe what a incandescent bulb is for him/her. If that's intentional, clarify why.
My suggestion would be harnessing fear? It could work given that he/she viewed it ominous. It could hold him/her back from wanting to find out what those secrets were. Though, that's just a suggestion, feel free to disregard it.
Define perceptive. It put me out of the poem because someone idea of "perceptive" is relative. Ask the question, to what grounds is a person eligible to be perceptive? What should she/he be noticing or aware of? Is she supposed to handle things much more differently? How different?
Last thing I'd like to say would be specifying or expounding more on the secrets? Are they supposed to be dark or ominous or are they enlightening and proverbial? Should we know them or "ignorance is bliss" would fit perfectly in it? It's so general at this point that it's hard to comprehend the poem's message. Should I recoil? Or should I be willing to be perceptive?
It's just a small nitpick ^^ the highlighted word is unnecessary and it's a redundant adjective, especially because a sphere is a 3D version of a circle. And a circle is endless -- it has no sides.
That's all I have to say: ) If there's anything that confuses you, ask away. And I hope that this 2020 you're still writing!